Costco Cracks Down on “Samplassholes”

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Grocery store
People are showcasing their mental deficiencies at Costco

This week Costco announced that it would revoke sample rights of so-called “samplassholes”, customers, typically obtuse geriatrics, that block access to food samples by using either their ample body girth or a shopping cart. This blocking is often combined with a delaying tactic of asking numerous, unnecessary questions to the food service worker in an attempt to gain additional unauthorized samples. “I’ve had it with these fucking pricks. I follow the rules and wait in line patiently only to be sample-fucked by a blue haired samplasshole. They think, just because they’re old as shit, that they can do what ever the fuck they want. I paid my membership and goddammit, I deserve 1/8 of a chicken burrito,” steamed, Carl Rogers of Freeport RI.

kid mouthful
Some fucking kid shoving his face with samples

Another example of samplassholing is grabbing more than two samples and forcing them into ones mouth hole using a snake-like swallowing method.  Not to be confused with the tactics of “lane douches”, customers that either do not yield to on coming carts when entering a main arterial aisle from a smaller capillary aisle or customers that walk down a main aisle flanked by their entire extended family effectively restricting the shopping flow to an excruciatingly slow pace.

“We here at Costco realize a certain small population of our customers are seriously degrading the shopping experience for everyone else. If three or more customers report evidence of inappropriate sampling, the accused offender will be ordered to Costco court where we’ll review the security footage of the alleged offence. If we determine a pattern of inappropriateness exits, we’ll first remove sampling rights from their account and upon any further infractions their membership will be revoked,” said Mark Malloc, head of Costco Customer Service.

“Good! Fuck Em!”, said Tyrese Nichols “If I wanted shit like this to happen to me I’d stay at home with my kids. I got to Costco to be at one with God!”

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