In a bizarre twist to the Harvey Weinstein sexual abuse scandal, it appears a new trend has emerged: “Plantsturbaters” or plant masturbaters, people who enjoy masturbating into plants. “Yeah, I used to masturbate in the privacy of my own home or office cube, like an idiot, but now I go and find a beautiful green plant to masturbate into. I find it freeing and a full release of my tensions,” said George S. of Southtown OR, who would not let us use his last name fearing retribution for masturbating into plants during meetings.
It appears that the type of plant used is important as certain species are suffering damage and even death due to over use. “I like the softer ones, I tried a spruce once and it was O.K. and one time I had to use a cactus, the little spiky ball kind, but I really like the ferns and if I’m lucky I find a nice big hydrangea, with those it’s like one or two pumps and I’m in heaven,” exclaimed Rob F. of New Cambridge Heights, NJ.
The trend is especially concerning to the workers that maintain indoor office plants. “I’ve have to double the number of plants I replace each month due to these Plantsturbaters. I’ve tried cleaning them but that doesn’t really work, I’ll come back the following week just to find the plants covered higher and deeper in goo. Adding a bit of poison ivy around the plants has helped some, but there are some hard core weirdos out there that will stop at nothing to blast off into an young, supple ficus,” ranted Jose Menudo of Hot Moist Plants Inc.