Kansas City, MO – A man was arrested for watching children at a splash park. Witnesses described a slovenly, overweight, grisly character leaning up against a baby blue Mercury Grand Marquis. He reportedly watched the children play for over two hours as he alternated between chain smoking Pall Mall cigarettes and eating a raw head of cabbage. The man reportedly claimed he was doing nothing wrong. “I’m just relaxing at the park. I can’t help it if a bunch of silly kids want to get wet, play grab-ass and use the water features as enemas. It’s a free country. I mean, I don’t blame them, sometimes I feel a little unfresh and wouldn’t mind a free bidet myself, but I’m a ‘grown-up’ and can’t do that out in public like these little bastards,” police quoted him as saying.
Julie LaSinclare was one of the parents at the park when the man was arrested. “He was over there leaning on his car, smoking, and doing God knows what with that head of cabbage – the whole time, with this look of pure ecstasy on his face. It was a nice day at the park, but not that nice. I don’t want to imagine the disgusting thoughts going through his pedderass head. We need to start charging a fee or something to keep these hand-job hobos from getting the wrong kind of enjoyment from our beautiful park.”
The man is now in police custody as he awaits charges. Capt. Roger McGyna of the Kansas City police dept. reported, “This guy is a grade A creeper. He’s lucky we arrived and de-escalated the situation. If it was my son or daughter he was collecting spank bank images for, I would have pulled out my gun and shot him in the dick.”