New Evidence Suggests Cat Owners Gain Intelligence Boost

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Fucking cats!
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In a newly published study in the journal, Nature Meow!, cat owners were found to acquire a boost of intelligence versus non-cat owners. The study followed 25 participates over 4 years and regularly tested the owner’s IQ and several feline markers, including levels of airborne urine, feces and hair.

Apparently, according to Trisha Newcome, of Mid-West Feline University, “The pheromones found in cat urine and feces provide an intelligence boosting effect.” More surprisingly perhaps, is that the effect is cumulative; the more cats a person owns the more their intelligence increased.  The type of cat also matters, with Siamese offering the smallest increase and Man-Coons the greatest. Newcome also noted, “We’re not precisely sure of how these pheromones increase the owner’s intelligence but we think it may have something to do with the reaction between a cat’s urine, feces and hair.”

This news came as no surprise to, Chicago native and owner of 4 cats, Bruce Kineffings “Back in the eighties, I had only one cat and I could barely finish the crossword puzzle, over the years, as I got more of my babies, I started noticing a difference… I could do long division in my head, calculate potato prices at Aldi and I moved up to medium difficulty in  Sudoku”. Similarly, Kate Sarplaski, of Merde Lake, MI agreed, “I have twelve cats in a one bedroom apartment and every time one of them climbs up and sits on my face I feel refreshed, alive and a little smarter. At this rate, in a couple years, I’ll be smart enough to be a contestant on Family Feud.”

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