New Study Confirms Weird Sauna Behavior is on the Rise

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A new study from the Institute for Behavioral Sauna Health researched sauna use across the country and found that strange behavior is on the rise. The study reports that men mostly sit upright, although sometimes with legs spread and their junk hanging out like an old greasy bag of boiled peanuts. They were also commonly seen doing air squats or lunges. Women on the other hand, were more likely to take up excessive bench space by either laying down or doing the splits. Other behaviors mentioned in the study include: leaning over the coals to singe chest or back hair, unbridled coughing, loudly crunching Funyuns and stinking really bad from the arse.

“Saunas were developed in Greek times as a place of relaxation and calm,” said Dr. Mark Cabrone, a physician who frequently prescribes sauna visits. “This bizarre behavior is in direct conflict with the purpose of a sauna. For years, I’ve prescribed patients sauna sessions to treat everything from severe herpes to full body fungal infections. The treatments won’t work if the patients are unable to relax.”

Patty Merkle, a 65 year-old grandmother, we talked to at the Omaha YMCA sees things differently, “I paid my fee and I’ll do whatever I want in there. If I want get down into a deep squat and tickle my taint for ten minutes in 160 degree heat, then everyone else will have to just deal with it.” Similarly, Josh Stapecker, a disruptor in the sauna space, boasted, “I’m on the real Paleo diet, which means I have to eat my food nearly nude in high heat. I’m sick of racist gyms revoking my membership for eating raw sausage in the sauna while black.”

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