Twerking from Home
Mia Lee twerks from home.

“We were having our daily meeting over Skype when – I guess a coworker thought his camera was off and mic was muted – but we could all see and hear everything. At first, I thought he just stubbed a toe – because his face was scrunched up like he was in pain. Then, we heard a loud, Howard Dean style “WHOOOOO” followed by an extended “AHHHHH”, like he’d just finished taking a sip of hot coffee. Next, his wife emerged from beneath his desk with an apparent sinus infection as she had snot all over her nose and chin. She proceeded to mount him and they were just about to ride each other off into the sunset when my manager abruptly ended the meeting.” said, Mark Schiffler, a systems support specialist working from his apartment in Jacksonhole, WY.

Scenes like this are playing out across the country as employers nationwide are requiring employees to work from home.

“Our I.T. department has had a big upswing in keyboard replacement requests due to stuck keys – we suspect self pleasure is the culprit as 95% of the requests are cumming from men.” said Mike Dwerky of Donkle & Assoc. a Boise, Id based fish clearinghouse.

Amy Lou Stankoll had a similar experience. “When I video chatted a coworker around 3 in the afternoon, she seemed very distracted and was panting like she had just finished a 5k. Also, there was this weird sound like a cat purring – but, I know she’s a dog person. I told her she looked busy and that we could talk later…6 minutes later she called back, smoking a cigarette and in a great mood.”

“We had a guy on a video call – and I’m not sure if it was an accident or not – but his stand-up desk started slowly lowering and we hear, “no noo, No NOOOO!”, as the camera panned down, it revealed his John and 2 Hopkins flopping to and fro as he unsuccessfully tried to turn off the camera. He claimed that ‘it’s very hot’ in his apartment and that he ‘has a hard time finding pants that fit.’  I guess, but none of that explains why his beefeater was standing at full attention,”  mused Erika Mistleclit of St Claire MN, who works from home as a exotic garlic inspector.

Employers are trying to stroke the balance between encouraging online cooperation and protecting against sexual harassment lawsuits.  “I know that these wardrobe malfunctions sound titillating but these are mostly people with indescribably gross bodies.  Droops, dangles, bulges, flaps and FUPAS have no place in the virtual work place.  Some instances are honest mistakes, but there is a certain population out there that are making power plays with their body in hopes to get ahead,” commented Isa Dickinmeass of the Centers for Workplace Decency.

 

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