Famous basketball star and enormous human, Shaquille O’Neal, has started a new business venture selling his sperm online. That’s right ladies for only $30,000 you could pass a mini Shaq through your birth canal – I hope you’ve been doing your kegels. Currently, the sperm is only being sold in the frozen form but an online petition requesting that O’Neil auction off his seed via direct injection has also been started. “I can help if he needs any assistance getting it out? He’ll probably need a lot of it – ’cause I bet it’ll sell like hotcakes,” said Barry Newman, a local high school bathroom attendant.
“The world needs more Shaq and I’m in a position to provide that,” O’Neal said at a recent press release kicking off the endeavor. “The last thing we need up in here are a bunch of little Charles Barkelys or Karl Malones running their mouths about how they be so great. In a couple years we can finally have a real Dream Team made up of all Shaqs and 0 Christian Laettners.”
So, far the first batch has sold out. Women are lining up in the hopes of producing Shaq sized babies. “My wife and I were going to conceive, but with this new Shaq semen we can virtually guarantee our son will have a huge penis..well if it’s a boy..I mean, I’m sure it’ll be cool if its a girl too,” confessed Jim Roberts, who with his wife Tisha, have purchased a vial of the semen and are going to attempt to inject it themselves. “In vitro is way too expensive, I unloaded my 401k and put a second mortgage on our house to get this sperm. We’re going to do it the old fashioned way and at the last second I’ll just swap out the Shaq spooge for mine. It’s going to be fucking awesome,” exclaimed Roberts.