Spandex Inventor Takes His Own Life

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Philip K Spandex Jr. the inventor of spandex has died in an apparent suicide. He left a note indicating that he could no longer bear the humiliation and shame of exposing the general public to the unsightly bodies of the overweight and obese.

“I fear America, and to a greater extent the world, will never be able to un-see many of the unsightly bodies that have been forced into clothing made from the material I created. When I first came up with the highly flexible fabric in the seventies, I assumed, rather foolishly, that only good looking people with tight, hard bodies would dress themselves in it. I was horribly wrong. I made a fortune off my invention, but at what cost? Every time I hear about poor people going to Walmart, I get a chill down my spine, due to the fear of the things these people, and some of them just children, will be exposed to. Obesity is an epidemic in America, as well as many other parts of the world, an I loath to think that the comfortable and stretchy material I invented as a way to discreetly view and show off beautiful young women’s privates at upper class yoga studios has now become a delusional tool to liberate the overweight silhouette of grandiose flabby-flabbersons. I now understand how John Mumu felt when his invention was hijacked by the weight challenged. I leave my entire fortune to Jenny Craig in the hopes that it will have some small impact on the obesity epidemic. If I can get just one less disgusting body in Spandex then I will feel like I’ve accomplished some good.”

Spandex’s death has lead to a renewed push for reform in the Spandex industry. Most notably, in Orange County, CA where an ordinance was recently passed requiring all clothes containing Spandex to come with a warning, “Spandex is not to be used by persons with large or disgusting body types. The use of this material by anyone not in possession of a young, supple or swole body is prohibited and could result a fine for violating public decency statutes.” Additionally, new safety features are in the works, including one where the material disintegrates into threads when an undue burden is placed on the fabric’s elasticity.

“I don’t see what the big deal is. People can look away if they don’t want to see how much fresh lumpy ass I managed to extrude into these LulaRoe pants. What am I supposed to do wear grey sweat pants like Rocky? Hells no! I’d look like one of those refugee tents in Syria. Plus I feel like spandex has a slimming effect so, that I only appear to weight 215,” stated Lindsie Fatestone,  a 43 year old elementary school bus driver.

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