Woman Dies Eating Thick Tortilla Chips

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A California woman bled to death while eating chips at Barstow, Tex-Mex restaurant, Fat Jesus’s Casa de Queso. Marcy Moonie, a 44 year old dog sitter, was enjoying an appetizer of chips and salsa, when a particularly sharp and thick chip, gouged a two inch hole in her throat which caused her to bleed out. “We tried stuffing guac into the hole, because I read on Facebook that it would stop the bleeding, but it just made things worse,” said Paco Pina, head waiter at the restaurant.  Paramedics arrived within minutes of a 911 call but pronounced Moonie dead at the scene.

The family is now suing Casa de Queso for what they believe are unsafe chips. “Most restaurants have the thinner style chips that don’t break when you dip them in queso or salsa and easily crunch apart when you eat them, but not this place, the chips are so thick that, if you’re not careful, they’ll slice your mouth wide open,” said Cherl Latiti, the victim’s long time girlfriend. “I never liked those goddamn chips. I always picture the day they picked them out, when the guy tasting them was like, this is the one, this chip that tears your mouth up like a lawn mower running over a watermelon, this is the chip I’ll serve at my restaurant,” mused Gary Farks, an infrequent customer. Farks continued, “I really only go there for happy hour because they have decent margaritas, other than that, the chips suck and, true to it’s name, everything comes with a pound of cheese melted over it and a side of queso.”

The owner, “Fat” Jesus Martinez-Papadongalo, is fighting the lawsuit and has issued a statement, “Our hearts and prayers go out to the family. This is truly a tragedy. We, however, stand behind our chips and won’t be held responsible for weirdos with thin mouth skin and tiny baby teeth that consume our chips in an overly aggressive and self-harming manner.” Further declaring, “This is America for cock’s sake!”

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